Life is unfair

今天早上起身，如往常准备出门到Chow Kit巴刹吃早餐前，突然想起第一件事就是call FSKB关于我的 application of transfering course 的结果。
其实一开始也没抱多大的希望，结果他们真的很给脸 -- 连例行的会议都没开。
我呈交上了所有文件也有半个月了，接电话的 bitch 还告诉我他们在等待医生和Pejabat Forensic的回应...他妈的！
早餐叫了泰国东炎面，吃了也没胃口...
在宿舍又看了一遍看了不知几遍的《Bourne Identity》，然后不想一个人呆在宿舍 -- 就到 Pavillion 继续读些criminology的书，顺便看了《Friday the 13th》（也不是怎么好看）。
虽然一整天计划的忙得连报纸都没看，但一整天都是心不在焉。
脑海里一直盘问自己活在这个不公平世界上的理由。

世界本来就是那么的不公平。

This world is never meant to be fair. Some people lead happy lives, while others live in fucking misery sucking lives. I think I belong to the later group kind of people. Fate keeps screwing with me... and I'm tired of fighting against it now.

Human beings formulated various theories and religions to explain the unfairness of this world just to make ourselves psychologically better. Karma, existance of Gos, law of attraction, bible, kuran, suttas... you name it. For me, right now, they are all just fucking bullshit. I was a beliver in Buddhism... but now the religon is just merely a preference for me compared to other religions.

Even though myself was a monk once, and believed in karma, but I think that it's unfair for human beings for being punished for the deeds they did in past life. I was asking myself, what the fuck that I've done in the past life that I'm now being punished for things which yet happen in future?

I'm diagnosed with bipolar. Fine.
But, the world, those people, they are making assumptions that I'm going to jeopardise a patient's life in future based on my current situation. They are prosecuting me for a crime that I STILL HAVEN'T DONE IT! God damned it!
See? I'm now suffering for something that I haven't done... so, someone, explain the karma for me, please?!

I came from a sucking poor family. Fine.
And for years I have been struggling to change it ... why I got this kind of disease that deny all the efforts that I've put into life? WHY?!

I came through 3 broken relationship. Fine.
I've been being single for 2 years and why fate still want to screw with me like this?
Tagging me as bipolar -- a disease with possibility of passing to the next generation.
Who would like to be with a mad man like me? Heh...

It's re-sit paper week for those medic nerds who failed their exam... and I watched how my housemates memorizing those facts and fuckingly struggle for last minutes.
I can do better than anyone of them -- I should have passed the exam, which means there's no re-sit paper necessary for me!
I'm more capable and talented than those fucking sons of bitches who need to re-sit papers.
And why the hell I'm staying in KL merely for follow-ups and not to prove my capability of becoming a doctor?! Fuck the hell.

There are so many questions in my mind today that I'm not able answer forever.
I tried to give up questioning myself... but I can't.

I'm tired.
Mr. Fate, you son-of-bitch, let me tell you something. If you are going to screw with my life by getting all those bad things happend in my life, you better kill me ASAP -- car accident, train accident, shot-by-missed-firearm -- whatever! 'Cause you know what, I'm not going to recognise you as the greatest or any hell religons.
So, fuck this life off!