我真的老了

觉得自己变老了。
究竟是孤独属于老化的一部分，还是老化是孤独的一部分？
我自己也不知晓...
我只知道自己变得很老，而且又很孤独地在一个人的世界里过日子。

前几天到医院复诊时，和几位当年一起读医学院的朋友见面，
看着他们活在忙碌的医学生活里，我好羡慕，好无奈。
无论怎样，我还是得堆着笑容面对他们，
下星期还得去一趟拿回借给他们之一的东西。
我心里发了誓，拿回东西后，我一定要和那个世界永远划清界线。

其实，我不止和医学院的人划清界线，
就连中学、matrix的朋友，我也不想再见到。
所以，把他们都从Facebook里delete了。
没错，就是我自卑...
人家都很成功的活着，而我...

我很讨厌家庭...非常讨厌那种，甚至可以说是恨吧...
如果我的成长环境不是那样，
如果家庭的经济状况不是那样，
或许我今天不会是那种地步吧...
人家都说人要学着适应环境。
但，在我还没来得及学习这个道理前，
命运就安排我在这个家里出生，
害我今生今世落得如此下场...
这样公平吗？
为什么世界就是那么的不公平？
为什么？！

我小时候连一个像样的脚踏车都没有，
所以我今天平衡感差得不能骑单车...
没有像样的家人教我驾车，
所以我今天不懂得驾车...
为什么我要生在一个这样的家庭...为什么？!
就连小时候应有的情绪教导，我都没有...
所以我丧失了成为一个成功的人的资格！我不能成为医生了！
我没有了朋友！没有了未来！我什么都没有了！
这一切都是那个所谓的家害的！

我这一生完蛋了！
我好恨那个家...我真的真的好恨那个家...
但是，我又能怎样？
我改变不了什么...

我只能越活越老，越活越孤独...
我真的老了。

Monsters vs Aliens

"Monsters vs Aliens". The first time I came across this title, I though it was a mock on "Aliens vs Predators". But after watching the trailer, it was clear that this is a very original movie, from characters creation to story-line. However, I doubt that it can become a successful franchise like "Ice Age" even though there are still some good things in it.

The plot is simple to enjoy. Human kinds are facing an alien invasion problem and monsters that military kept for years would be help them for solution. Finally, just like other cartoons, the ending always be positive-- monsters won the fight and human kinds are saved. The characters in the story are interesting and cute, which make a simple story-line enjoyable. In the movie, you can see those monsters with cute names, like Prof Cockroach PhD, Insectosorious, BOB (which stands for Bicarbonate Ostylezene Benzoate) etc. , each with its unique and funny origins . Voice over of those characters also help in building up the story, including Hugh Laurie and Kiefer Sutherland, some actors who we are familiar with.

However, the humour part of the story is somehow very lame, still yet it makes you laugh. Since the movie protrays Gernomica (human name Susan) as the main character, her character is kinda serious person and honestly, I don't like her very much. She suppose to be a woman getting married, but she still act like an innocent girl. Instead, most of the scenes when you'll laugh are when those other four monsters appear. Indeed, I think the other four monsters are characters that really make this cartoon a comedy and attract audience's attention.

No matter what, it's still a cartoon -- a comedy cartoon. Even though it fails to stand out among other Dreamwork's productions, give it a break and watch it just like any other lame comedy, which means leave your brain at home. It is optional for movie-addicts for watch it or not, since there are many other blockbusters on list.

Unsalvagable Terminator

There's still long time before we can watch Christian Bale as caped crusader again. Thanks for this movie, as Christian-Bale-fans like me, I really had much anticipation on this movie: Terminator Salvation. I'm sure that other people all around the world share the same anticipation as well, especially die-hard fans of Terminator franchise. The producer company did spends lots of money in promoting this movie, as I can conclude via how we see Terminator Salvation posters everyway, newspapers, roadsides, staircase etc. However, here's the thing: the distributor will be making box office success due to the anticipation BUT they will also get a lots of bad and cruel critics at the end. Let me tell you why.

First of all, you must realise that this is not a very terminator-sense terminator movie. There's no more good and evil terminator go back through time and fight against each other for each own's sake of benefit in future time. This movie simply take the concept of "Judgement Day" and "War between resistance and machines" from the previous prequels, and make it a futuristic war movie. They are things that already mentioned in conversation in prequel. This movie is just "materialize" those conversation content. So, it's more of a war-kind of movie, rather than the cat-and-rat chase among future robots in present world.

Nevertheless, speaking as a war-genre movie, this movie really is a great dissapointment. The first 75 minutes of the movie is dull and boring, despite all those fancy kind of terminators models appear in the movie. Ask yourself, why you watch this movie? Mainly because you wana see how John Conner fulfill his destiny to be a resistance leader and finding his teen father. So, who really give a shit about the process of war? Terminator franchise (the previous three) focused on characters, i.e. Sarah Conner, John Conner, T800 etc. BUT not on a bunch of human fighting against a bunch of robots! Introduction of many fancy robots is not gonna compensate for the failure of the movie. Make it easy to imagine like this: we enjoy that there's only one Arnold (T800) in the movie, but we won't enjoy much when there's a bunch of Arnolds in the movie. Same things go for other robots.

Most of the scene in the movie are very dark with destroyed buildings and wrecked cars here and there. Back in time, we enjoy the previous movie because we like the robots (in human forms) fighting in the background that very close to our real life. But, sorry that in fourth movie, it takes place and occur in time that we feel so distance and hence hard to appreciate it. I praised McG for his bold move, but he really screwed up the franchise anyway. This movie is definitely lacking the very original terminator-sense and it will kill hearts of many Terminator fans.

Enough for the background of the story. In term of the story-line wise, only the last part of the movie which is really exciting because we see John Conner destroying Skynet and also (spoiler!) T800, i.e. Arnold is coming back (although just briefly)! However, I cannot accept the explaination that Marcus Wright is a mole-robot. This is just stupid because, if Skynet can already make this advanced kind of infiltrating-model robots, why they still send those older models back through time to terminate young John Conner? It just doesn't make sense.

In term of acting-wise, everyone in the movie play their part well. Christian Bale being heroic (as always) and Sam Washington being torn apart between human and robot identity. They are good actors. After giving some thoughs, however, I still feel that adding this Marcus Wright character is a bad move. People love John Conner since many years ago, and the character would be much success if it just focuses on him. Introduction of this Marcus character is killing off the chance of better evolvementof the John character. You don't put two main heroes in one movie, especially when one of them is already very influencial for ages.

To sum up, this is gonna be a great dissapointment for Terminator-fans. The only way to get through this is be patient throughout the first 75 mins and at the end you'll get to see what you want: John Conner destroy the Skynet base! However, when you walk out from cinema, please mourn that Terminator Salvation cannot salvage the Terminator...

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Amithsonian

Honestly, I pretty enjoyed this movie and regretted that I never watched the prequesl of "Night at the Museum 2".

I enjoyed the movie because the concept and the story of the movie was fresh to me. I was like a kid in cinema when watching it and can't wait for the night to come so that everythings in the musuem came to alive. Although at first I didn't know a thing about the tablet, which was quite important in the story, but I can guess what's it for later as the story goes by. So, you don't really need to watch the prequel in order to understand it. You can guess and understand those things through conversation if you pay attention what those characters are talking about. 20 minutes after the story starts, you can begin to forget to mind about your lack of knowing in the prequel, and start enjoy it.

However, I must admit that most idea in the movie are not fresh for those who watched the prequel before. Musuem exhibition coming to live and making jokes about history subject...and also Ben Stiller's kind of humour. Anyway, 3 years is a long time and some reviewing (not refreshing) of the same kind of funny stuff is not really a bad thing after all. You may think that this sequel cannot succeed the prequel. But, why don't treat both as one continuation of a story? They are the same all. Try don't to compare them and there are still a lots of fun to discover.

For first time viewer of Night at the Museum like me, I'm kinda regret that I didn't watch the prequel. If I watched the prequel, I think I can appreciate the relationship (friendship?) between Larry and those exhibits more. The effort of Larry showed in the movie -- how he tried to help his exhibit friends -- is a continuation of the relationship he built with those exhibits in the prequel. If I had the chance to watch the prequel, I'll watch it -- hope you can get this feeling as well after watching this sequel.

The humour in the movie does work almost all the time. Ben Stiller is indeed a good comedy actor and so are other characters in the movie. The conversations are full of sarcasm, and you don't need being a good history student or an American to understand it. Forget about other things else, (as Bernard said, leave your brain at home) you can laugh throughout the movie and it's the reason why you spend money on a comedy, right?

Besides, you can also learn historical stuff from the movie as well, e.g.Napoleon hated people talking about his height etc. Those history travials are interesting to know and the way the movie protray it, I would say very good. The movie did the same thing as other museums in the world are built -- to make people love history. Well, although I'm not very sure about accuracy of some stuff inside, but just watching historical people from all around the world gathered and fight in this modern world is undenialable interesting. Pharoah + Napoleon + Ivan + American Mafia vs. Cowboys + Romans + modern American -- that's fun to watch those people from different background and time fight and express themselves in different cultural ways.

In a word, it is a movie you can watch alone to cheer you up when you are down, or you can watch together with friends and family. Either way, you pay money and you get the laughter you want. "Night at the Museum 2" is a movie that worth to watch and you won't regret it.

CAST: 4.0
STORY: 3.5
CINEMATOGRAPHY: 3.5
EFFECT: 3.5
an overall >>> 3.5

Battle for Tera -- the suckest movie of the year

Transformer: Revenge of Fallen, Star Trek, (maybe) Terminator Salvation ... These sci-fi movies are dominating top on the list of movies of the year. Well, sci-fi movies are now also on the bottom of the list as well. I proudly present to you: Battle for Terra.

I find this first official review of mine to "GreenTeaMovie" quite easy, because this movie is easily concluded in one word: sucks. I'd been trying to stay objective when watching this movie, and had an open mind (which is required when you are watching a sci-fi movie)...but, I still had to leave cinema in great dissapoinment.

Let's talk about good things about the movie before we move on to the bad parts. Well, first of all the idea of the story is good: Human have no place to live, they have to destroy other species on a planet called Tera and built a new colonization. But, one human had conflict in doing so because he owed his life to a Terranian (the species living on Terra). So, in the end, the human sacrificed himself by turning against his own kind and ended the war between Terra and human. It sounds heroic, and indeed heroism is the only good thing that was protrayed well in the movie. You will enjoy the last heroic sacrifice of the character, despite you may hate the other part of the story. Turning against your own kind of people is not an easy thing for anyone to do, I have to admit. But I find one thing funny is: human beings built a big monumen for the man ... to remember his betrayal against his own kind? Well, forget my question and don't think too much, he is a hero, that's it.

If you get really frustrated when watching the movie, take a moment and close our eyes, listen to the music. The background music and theme music from the music is still ok. You know, the kind of heroic music ... It's soundtrack is fine, and I think you'll enjoy the music as well and calm down your negative feeling for the movie.

Okay, now let's talk about my dissatisfaction about the movie. The movie is opened by talking about Terranians. They are a species looked like eartworm, but with hands, and can fly. Good creation...but not so good because everyone looked the same except the different colour clothes they are wearing. I find it hard to distinguish the main Terranian characters among themselves and from others because they just look all the same! (I had to differentiate them by thier voices) Okay, I persuaded myself that probably the Teranian species are like that, probably they are lacking of genetic variation.

Never mind, I moved on... but when it came to the part that involve humans, every men look the same! Hm...almost the same, at least. Come on! Are Homo sapiens lacking of genetic variation as well? Obviously the creativity team and the drawing team in the movie production should learn more about creating different characters before wasting money producing this movie. I would advice them to look among themselves and realise that physical appearance variations exist among human beings, even between siblings!

Secondly, the speech in the movie. The talking is just ... too childish! I think even a normal 7-year-old kid will find the speech too immature. Moreover, try this, Terranians and human beings speak different language...okay, acceptable. But, there's one scene like this:

TERRANIAN: You speak our language! (in amazed look)
HUMAN ROBOT: Yes, I do. Because I'm programmed to speak different language.
TERRANIAN: Teach me! (begging)
HUMAN ROBOT: Okay. (then shooting laser into the teranian's eyes)
TERRANIAN: Wow! I feel so many words in my head...(wondering a moment) what language I'm speaking? I can speak your language! (looked excited)

This is one of the stupidest scene in the movie. The Terranian (and so others of her kind) speak a languange called English even before the introduction of human kind in the movie...and the Terranian was so happy after she learned that she could speak English...what the...?! Are the script-writters only 12-year-old? Why don't they just ignore the probability that Terranian speaks different language? You see, Vulcans and human are just so harmony because they speak the same language. Every species of different planets in Star Wars just speak English...there's some thing should be ignored when producing a sci-fi.

However, you can't ignore something in sci-fi... Thirdly, about the illogical of the movie. You don't need a Spock's Vulcan mind of "logic/illogic" kind of thinking to watch a sci-fi movie. I can accept the alternate universe in Star Trek, but I cannot accept the concept that combustion can occur under circumstances without oxygen! One scene we watched that the heroic human asphyxiated and cannot breath in Terra because of lacking of oxygen, the next scene of war you can see fire and combustion happening here and there in Terra...well, the script writers should refer back thier primary school science books. If they exclude the scene that human asphyxiating in Terra, everything can be fine. But, I think they need to mention that particular scene, so that in the climax of the story, human beings can built a Terratransforming machine to produce oxygen to kill all Terranians on Terra. (Yes, human planned to colonize Tera by producing oxygen. What a brilliant plan, right?)

And there's one more scene when the human robot illustrate how oxygen looks like to a Terranian... a tri-atom particle. Hello...even a Chemistry E student knows oxygen is O2 and it is mde up of two atoms! Some more, a photosynthetic green plants can live on Terra while human beings cannot, because, in the movie, green planst do no photosynthesis (because or else they will produce oxygen that kill Teranians), no respiration...there are just too much scene in the movie where they tend to put science in the movie but they convey it in the wrong way -- a very big, apprently, obvious wrong way.

Enough say for this "Battle of Terra". You need a higher level of clearance of any logical sense in your mind when watching this movie. Pretend yourselve as a child. Pretend that you don't know anything about oxygen. Pretend that all Teranians are speaking English, but they are not speaking English...and you will (probably) enjoy the heroism of the movie and agree the building of the human's monumen. However, keep this in mind: if you bring any kid along to watch this movie, please correct the facts in the movie after cinema because you don't want the kid to fail his or her Science subject.

CAST: I don't know how to rate because it is a cartoon.
STORY: 1.5
CINEMATOGRAPHY: 2.5
EFFECT: 2.5
an overall >>> 1.5

我要到海洋

人生有一个地方叫做谷底。
我想，我现在应该处于这个叫做谷底的地方，
而且是从一个很高很高的高峰，
以一个最快的坠落方式，一直跌到谷底。
可笑的一点是，我曾以为我已经跌到谷底开始反弹了，
但 Newton's third law of force 似乎不能应用在我的身上...
我现在身处于一个没有反弹可能性的谷底。

六个月前，我是一个前途一片光明的医学生。
人人都以羡慕的眼光看着我，
而我以Dr. House, Dr. Greene 等人为目标往前进。
我曾经相信自己会有出人头地的一天...
我曾经那么确定自己可以改变我的命运...
我曾经仿佛看到自己在白色巨塔的顶点傲视这个世界...

两个月前，我被命运决定我不能曾为一个医学生。
我被医学院就这样踢了出来...
就连 academic office 的那位看起来凶巴巴的婆婆都觉得我可怜。
但是，我就这样被那些在白色巨塔的塔顶的人们赶了出来...
两年，不，这一辈子的努力就这样什么都没有了...什么都没有了。

一个月前，我说服自己是时候放弃一个梦想，追求另一个梦想的时候了。
那时，我以为自己开始从谷底反弹了。
因为我从高处掉下，距离应该很远，
照物理公式来说，堕降的速度应该很快，force就越大。
牛顿说我的反弹的force应该也一样很大；
我期待我的反弹...我带着我梦想曾为CSI的梦反弹。
就算做不了医生，我也好带做个名侦探--至少我还能维护正义。

事实永远是事与愿违。
命运还嫌之前对我开的玩笑不够...
四天前，我的 forensic application 被退回了。
不止这样，我还被通知我所有有关健康学的科系，我完全不能读。
我最基本小小的nutrition也不可能读了...
就只是因为我有 bipolar mood disorder。
命运跟我开的这个玩笑，我到底是该哭呢？还是该笑？
我这可悲又可笑的命运。

于是，我现在剩下的选择就是随随便便读完大学，
然后昏昏然然地过一生。
不会再爱上任何人，不会结婚，不会有家庭（因为我对我的家有阴影）...
就这样过一生。

这四天来，我又想了想...
反正我的家我已经厌恶了，
反正我也没什么朋友，
反正我也不会有爱情，，
反正我也没有什么前途，
反正...反正我都在在这陆地没有什么值得怀念的事物...反正我都在这么深的谷底了...

那么就找个办法永远离开家，
那么我也不用那些朋友，
那么我也不用再寻找爱情，
那么就把我的前途都毁得一干二净，
那么...那么就离开这陆地...那么就到比谷底还深的地方...

我决定到海底。
我决定我的下半人生，我不会再在陆地上生活。
我决定要读一个很冷门的东西...
读完后，我也都25岁了，是时候离开陆地，到海洋生活了...
面对海洋的生物，我也都不愿再面对我过去的事物...
在陆地没有我要的平静，所以，我要到海洋。

The curious case of Benjamin Button -- 往前走的时间

第二次看完这部戏，我不懂要写些什么。
只知道，我很悲伤，很悲伤....
不懂为什么，就是心里那种惆怅的感觉，那种遗憾，那种...不知名的痛。
我想深深的叹一口气，想让自己好过一些，但是我做不到。
这部电影对我的影响，就像在我的爱情的记忆里深深地留下一个惊叹号...即使这只是个故事。

生命会结束的。
结束的样子，就像它开始那样 -- 什么都没有。
每个人什么都没有地来到这个世上，
不管在这世上得到些什么东西，
到死去的那一刻，我们还是什么都没有。
就算拥有爱情又怎样？
就算拥有至死不渝的爱情又怎样？
就算爱得轰轰烈烈的两个人，爱情也会随着死亡而消失。

时间永远是往前走的。
就算你拥有一个倒退走的钟表，却阻止不了时间往前走。
一秒一秒，一分一分...时间都在走着。
从每个人出生的那一秒开始，有限的生命因为前进的时间慢慢走向死亡...
身边的人不管许下怎样的诺言，最终还是会离开我们。

我来到这个世界前的时间在往前走着，
我离开这个世界以后，时间依然会往前走。
我留下些什么，不重要 -- 因为世界是时间说了就算，时间的权利最大。
我怎么活着，我怎么离去 -- 真的一点意义都没有吗？
没有。-- 不管世界的其它人有什么样的看法来使生命看起来是一件很有意义的东西，
这些都是自欺欺人的看法。

生命就像是一件毫无意义的东西 -- 在时间的眼里根本不堪一击。
只要时间喜欢，生命随时都会结束。
爱情也一样 -- 爱情在时间是留不下些什么的。

在有限的生命里...在有限的生命里...
我能够做什么？做自己喜欢的事吧！
不管世界的眼光，做自己喜欢的事，爱自己喜欢的人...
就算了解所做的事根本没有意义，
就算了解所爱的爱情一定会消失...
还是要那么去做吗？
我不知道。

故事里的主人翁选择到处闯这个世界、选择爱一个没有结果的爱情...
但现实不是那么简单的 -- 就像女主角选择跳舞却无法跳舞一样。
生命就是因为有那么多的意外，并不是我们能选择什么就能做什么的... Life sucks

连选择权都没有的世界，再加上时间那霸道的往前进行，
生活在这无常的世界，拥有一切始终会失去的东西...
我生存为了什么？
我那么爱静芬为了什么？
不如死去算了...不如死去...不如死...没有意义地活着，不如死。

Fuck this life

Well, I was intended to write something about a drama that I just finished today. It's a sucks drama, but I bought the original DVD, and that's why I was forced to watch all the 18hours total story and I felt releived after finished it finally. But the relieve lasted short as I realised that a new batch of people are moving into HUKM ... and I could be one of those people, even more capable than most people in there. But, instead, I'm now staying in my house moulding watching DVDs and reading novels. I've lost the chance of being a doctor because I'm the marginalsied man in this world.

Fuck everything ... I quoted "fuck" in all of my three shoutouts tonight on Facebook. I don't care if my shouout is gonna pissed anyone of on my so-called "friends". By the way, I'm filtering through my "friend list" and deleting people. I don't give a shit if my fucking style of writing is gonna provoke any fucking emotions to other people. I'm just releasing my anger upon this fucking life. Fuck that!

I'm really tired of this fucking life. But, why the hell and shit, I need to be informed via Facebook shoutout that the 3rd semester that I was supposed to be in is starting tomorrow? Fuck the god! Fuck Facebook!

Really, I need to stop this fucking writting, and distract my life away from this fucking shit by watching DVD...before I leave, FUCK THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!

我读《笑傲江湖》

飞雪连天射白鹿，笑书神侠倚碧鸳。

自从失忆后，拜读金庸大侠的第二部第二次修订新版的书就是《笑傲江湖》了。
（第一部是《书》还是《碧》，我都忘了，只记得2008年曾买了一本来读，现在却不知所踪）

小时候第一次看得《笑》是许冠杰的电影版本，当时也不明白剧情是什么，
只记得戏里的《笑傲江湖》一曲影响深刻，
（当时的我还不知道那其实是《沧海一声笑》）
学会吹笛子后，最努力学的曲子就是那首当时所谓的《笑》曲了！
-- 最后还是只学了《笑》曲的那么皮毛...

后来小学的时候--应该是六年级--，追看的电视武侠剧就是吕颂贤版本的《笑傲江湖》。
（也是唯一看过完整的《笑》电视版）
当时虽然看过了电影和电视版的《笑》，却还不知道金庸是谁。
--一直到我看《神雕侠侣》时才知道金庸大侠原来是那么的大来头！
（《神》可能又是另一个 blog的故事了）

离题了。
这就进入正体...
由于我对许版的《笑》的演员故事不深刻，所以当我UPSR完后第一次读《笑》时，脑海中的令狐冲，任盈盈，岳不群，左冷禅等人的样子都是吕颂贤版的《笑》里的人物。
就连我心理读那些人物、武功、帮派的名称都是广东发音-- 至今都还是这样。
还有一个最大的原因就是那TVB版的《笑》变动篇幅甚少，就连大多数对白都是和书里金大侠的笔下一模一样。

多年后的今天，我专程到茨场街的书店买了翻版的《笑》。（没有钱就是这样的咯！唉~）
前前后后，断断续续看了两个星期，就把全四册的《笑》看完了。
有时看到精彩的部分，一个下午就看了半册；
有时看到闷得地方，就真的看到很慢。
大多数都是回到槟城的房间看，
在KL的房间则看得比较慢。
（写这些干么？我也不知道...）

至于最近为什么会读《笑傲江湖》，上个blog有提了。
因为我此刻的心里真的很想像结局的令狐冲那样，
和心爱的女人，不问恩怨，不求名利，笑傲江湖...
但，我知道我永远是办不到的了。

这是我写关于《我读金庸小说》的第一篇blog。
当然比不上那些金学名家的评论，
更比不上倪匡的《我读金庸小说》系列。
这《我》的blog，算不上是什么评论，
纯粹只是想写写我个人读完全书后的感想。

第一，关于权势之争。
--　有人说《笑傲江湖》是一本政治武侠小说。
十二岁的我第一次读这书，第一次看《笑》剧，当然没什么感觉；
二十岁的我第二次读这书，对书里的明争暗斗有说不出的厌恶。

如果要我推举书中最讨厌的角色，当然非［伪君子剑］岳不群所属了。
十二岁的我只恨他错怪令狐大侠，后来又为全天下习剑之人感到不齿--挥剑自宫变成不男不女；
二十岁的我恨他入骨，不单因为他把令狐冲赶出华山，还有他的伪君子的模样...
八年的见历，让我体会什么是小人，什么是伪君子
-- 所以八年后的我对他的厌恶多了不少...

第一次看电视剧时，一开始我还以为令狐冲的师父不会是什么坏人
--故事的主角的师父怎么可能会使坏人呢？幼稚的我是那么想的。
知道最后几集真相大白后，觉得这个人真是个大坏蛋。
几年后的今天，当书中的岳不群一出场，我就知道他是书里反派人物。
到最后看到当他争夺五狱派掌门人一置，觉得用骂人的话来骂他都不够
-- 因为他连自己的女儿都能利用就属于禽兽不如了，更别说人。

我不怎么讨厌西毒欧阳峰、金轮法王，
但是这位岳先生就真的不讨厌都不行了。
我最讨厌就是带着面具的人。
明明就是爱权利爱的要命，偏偏在天下人面前还要装的像个饱读诗书的君子，
打架前还喜欢罗罗嗦嗦说一大堆我听不懂的话...
明明就是想称霸武林，却用那种我所不耻的手法夺得五狱派的掌门人，
比之魔教的任我行打败东方不败后才重任教主的行为差的多了。

唉~其实书中争权夺利的人何止岳不群、任我行呢？
左冷禅、林平之、木高峰、余沧海...那个不是想学的辟邪剑法，称霸武林呢？
就算是任我行重夺教主之位后也学东方不败那样，喜欢搽鞋子的那些话。
这就是人性。

《笑》是金庸唯一一本没有历史背景的作品，
因为，据金大侠的后记说，这种争权夺利可以发生在任何年代。

第二，关于正邪之分。
是正是邪，真的那么重要吗？
《笑傲江湖》故事一开场不久，就讲述到刘正风和曲洋二人友谊的悲剧。
因为结交了不属于自己帮派立场的朋友，他二人的家眷个个惨遭嵩山狗贼的杀害...
连年幼小孩都不放过！
最后二人只能共奏一曲《笑傲江湖曲》后方双双死去...
因为正邪之分，一段纯正的友谊不能存于天地之间。

令狐冲曾几次那么问自己：
正派中的就真正人人都是好人吗？-- 可是嵩山派杀了刘家大小
邪教中的就真的人人都是坏人吗？-- 可是曲菲烟却又不像那么的人
正派之中的坏人不少，而邪教中也有好人；
为什么千古以来都是正邪不两立呢？

对我来说，因为信仰而互相敌对是情非得以的事， 但，逼自己关系的人也来敌对自己讨厌的人就是不讲道理。

人嘛...最好就是不属于任何帮派
-- 喜欢和谁交朋友就和谁交朋友；
-- 喜欢爱上谁就爱上谁算了。
何必要在乎世俗的眼光呢？
因为自己的出处，而交不得一生的知己，而爱不得一生的所爱， 最后遗憾终身地过一世。
这样，不算是真正活过了一个人生。

令狐冲跟田伯光、向问天等人称兄道弟，
又跟任盈盈这么一位威震武林的魔教圣姑共接连理；
但同时又能任恒山派掌门人，和少林方证，武当冲虚又蛮friend的。
只有令狐冲那么一个洒脱的人才办得到的吧？

第三，关于情义。
《笑傲江湖》一书，在我的金庸小说排行榜中名次有时仅次于第一的《天龙八部》。
（我的排行榜不一定的，根据当时的经历而对不同的书喜好有别）
但，我必须承认的是，此书的[情]，比不上《神雕侠侣》，
而书中的[义]，则不够《天龙八部》或《鹿鼎记》。
但，《笑傲江湖》中的情义还是让我满喜欢的。
最令我感动的，莫过于令狐冲和任盈盈之间的情义。（难道还有别的？）

任盈盈，算是我在众多金庸笔下的女主角中，我最喜欢的类型。
-- 唉~只恨金大侠不让她已开始就在故事出现，偏偏要令狐冲瞎了眼睛爱上岳灵山。
书中关于盈盈最多的描写就是她每次一想到令狐冲的事就开始脸红，
这种得女孩最可爱不过了！^^
虽然，我看得TVB版本中的任盈盈和书中的任大小姐的样貌有一定的差别...
但是，对我来说，样貌并不怎么重要，
重要的是电视里的和书里的任盈盈都对令狐冲死心塌地，
甘心为了他而受困于少林寺。
却又同时不准天下群豪在她背后说他俩二人的恋爱...
真是太可爱不过了！（或许有人会觉得仪琳可爱些，但，我拼死还是觉得圣姑比较可爱）
虽然，我日后不会在爱上任何人了，但每当我读到任盈盈脸红的时候，我总是觉得心头里一甜...

令狐冲，那么的一个浪子，爱上魔教女孩...我喜欢！
为了任盈盈率领群豪攻打少林寺，轰动天下...我超喜欢！
每一次到了生死关头，想到身边的盈盈和他一起死，就觉得死了也快活...我喜欢死了！
令狐冲，同样的，在我的最爱金庸男主角排行榜中有时也是第一名的耶！
他虽然没有郭靖那般的侠之大者的精神，却也是一个光明磊落的大侠。
他虽然没有杨过那样的爱地死去活来，但至少他爱盈盈爱得天下无人不知。
就连金庸都说他比较喜欢向令狐冲这样亦正亦邪的角色。

最后，关于笑傲江湖。
本人觉得［笑傲江湖］比［称霸江湖］来的好多了。
如果有的选，我想选前者。
原因，我想我也不必多说了。
那种能笑傲江湖、面临死亡却已今生无憾的感觉，不是我用文字所能形容的。

《笑傲江湖》最后结局，是我梦想中最完美的人生结局...
人生能够这样，和心爱的人，不理人间事务，游山玩水，弹琴吹箫
--　唉～人生能接近神仙的境界莫过于此！

权势 -- 永远的遗憾

今天又是一个人出街。
本来和人约好了一起看《Star Trek》，结果被放飞机... =(
一个人看完了《Star Trek》后，无所事事就又看了《Mongol》。


很明显的，海报上说那时关于成吉思汗的故事，
但我没想到的是那完完全全是个蒙古电影！
就连电影内的对白也是蒙古话！
还好当年拜读《射雕英雄传》时对蒙古文化也有一定的了解，
而成吉思汗的生平在《射雕英雄传》的最后也有几十面的记载，
所以才不会迷失...
但，故事有点闷...大战场面就只有那么一场。（扎木合那么一场）
整部电影都是讲述铁木真还未成为成吉思汗前的故事。
（我期待的是讲述他如何创下人类历史上最大的帝国）
到他真正要去打战时就闭幕了~

这部电影让我想起《射雕英雄传》的结局：
郭靖看着满地荒野和尸体，哀叹着战争的残酷，
寻思为何他一向敬佩的成吉思汗为了蒙古版图，不惜血成河。
到最后，人死后，能占有的地方就只有那么大的棺材墓地...
难道权利对人类来说就那么重要吗？


小时候的我还不懂那个问题。
（我十一岁就读《射雕英雄传》了，所以不懂乃情有可原...）
只记得更小的时候，曾经看过那么的一部香港连续剧，叫做《雍正皇朝》。
（当然我还不知道雍正原来是那么有名的啊...）
看着四阿哥如何篡位夺权，不惜伤害或害死兄弟，
我并不觉得如何厌恶他。
反之，我觉得雍正很聪明，由他来当皇帝也不会比十四阿哥差吧！
于是开始觉得权利应该是一个很好玩的东西，
尤其是当你可以把全世界玩弄在手心...
全世界都要听你的话...
小时后的我就那么立志有一天，我也要成为有权利的人...

再后来，看了日剧《白色巨塔》后，
我更加觉得我一定要成为像财前五郎那样的人。
就算最后死于癌症，他还是曾经成为外科部长...整个外科都在他的控制下！
于是，我就把郭靖的那番深思抛在脑后
--就算我死了化成尘土，只要我曾经拥有权利过就今生无悔！


中学毕业后，有钱的同学都到国外深学去了，
要不然就是去私立读，再不然就是拿到奖学金读...
当时的我心里是那么的不平衡...
我的成绩哪样比不上人家？为什么其他人有更好的机会，而我没有？！
我开始埋怨家庭，憎恨没用的父亲。
我知道如果我有一天要成有权有势的人来改变我的命运，改写我的人生！
而要达到我的目的，我能做的就是成为医生...

虽然《白色巨塔》里对财前五郎的家庭描写不多，
但，有一次他的妈妈打电话给他，
他告诉母亲他如何在塔里慢慢地往上爬，
一面用手遮着那刺眼的阳光...（那是经典的一幕！）
我可也体会他想改变贫穷的命运的感觉...

所以，被逼进了matriculation的我开始对我从小开始想当 forensic的梦想动摇。
我要权利，所以我一定要成为医生。
权利是现实的梦想，而forensic是幼稚的梦想 -- 两者有别。
要生存，要活一个人家都看得起的人生，就要选择前者。
在加上想与芬一起找到那白色巨塔的塔顶的权利，
我毅然选者了医科。

于是，这两年来，我为了当一名医生不断的努力着。
就算医科的遥途未开始就和芬分手了，
我还是为我那寻找的权利奋斗...
此外，我也梦想着自己曾为像Gregory House和Mark Greene的医生。
当有一天，我的名字前加了个“Dr.”，我就可以开始摆脱我那贫困的家庭...
（从我的另一个封笔了的 Blog就有写下我的那些野心）

但，我怎么想都想不到我会有那么失去机会的一天。
得了这个病，我连那么改变自己的命运也不能。
因为全世界对我们这种人的歧视，我不能成为医生...
雍正，成吉思汗为了权利杀人尚能得到目的；
我并不是想成为皇帝，只是想成为人家看得起的医生，为什么连机会也不给我？！
我没杀到任何一人，我想成为拯救性命的医生...我做错了什么？！
我只是想要权利...权利...改写我人生的权利...

我本来的人生交易是这样的：

我用一生的努力来成为救人的医生，
而世界给我一个医生的名望与权利...

但现在一切都没有了...都没有了

命运把现实的梦想砸碎了，然后把那幼稚的梦想还给我。

都说是幼稚的梦想了，实现的几率可想而知的低...
幼稚的梦想还得看有权势的人的脸色和喜恶来决定是否有机会，
还有的是，我的奖学金也可能没有了... 而之前用过的还需要缴还...

梦想没了，
记忆没了，
权势没了，
世界没了...

这些日子，我不管做什么事都在想着我的未来的打算...没有了权利，我还能有什么？
找份工作，就那么混混地过一生吧 -- 这是我目前最坏的打算。
就算我比人家有天分也不算是什么大不了的事了
-- 我拥有权利的资格在几个月前因为我的病取消了。

最近，有空的时间都是在阅读《笑傲江湖》。
曾经读过了那么一次，明知最后结局是令狐冲和盈盈从此退出江湖，
我还是那么地想读 -- 或许是我想我能想令狐冲一样笑傲江湖...


但，我是否能做得到呢？
不再追求权势，和最爱的人吹箫抚琴，人间的快乐莫过于此吗？
在现实的世界，不追求权势是件困难的事了，
而像我这么的一个疯子，会有两情相悦的另一半吗？
虽然就算读《笑傲江湖》再多遍，也找不到这些问题的答案。
在这个现实世界，不会有笑傲江湖那么回事的了 -- 至少我是永远办不到的了。

反正人活到最后还是一死，我很想自己能够放下权利的欲望...
但，我知道我办不到。

我只能带着遗憾 -- 事业，爱情，亲情，友谊的遗憾 -- 过一生。
直到死亡将我的遗憾终止。

Life is unfair

今天早上起身，如往常准备出门到Chow Kit巴刹吃早餐前，突然想起第一件事就是call FSKB关于我的 application of transfering course 的结果。
其实一开始也没抱多大的希望，结果他们真的很给脸 -- 连例行的会议都没开。
我呈交上了所有文件也有半个月了，接电话的 bitch 还告诉我他们在等待医生和Pejabat Forensic的回应...他妈的！
早餐叫了泰国东炎面，吃了也没胃口...
在宿舍又看了一遍看了不知几遍的《Bourne Identity》，然后不想一个人呆在宿舍 -- 就到 Pavillion 继续读些criminology的书，顺便看了《Friday the 13th》（也不是怎么好看）。
虽然一整天计划的忙得连报纸都没看，但一整天都是心不在焉。
脑海里一直盘问自己活在这个不公平世界上的理由。

世界本来就是那么的不公平。

This world is never meant to be fair. Some people lead happy lives, while others live in fucking misery sucking lives. I think I belong to the later group kind of people. Fate keeps screwing with me... and I'm tired of fighting against it now.

Human beings formulated various theories and religions to explain the unfairness of this world just to make ourselves psychologically better. Karma, existance of Gos, law of attraction, bible, kuran, suttas... you name it. For me, right now, they are all just fucking bullshit. I was a beliver in Buddhism... but now the religon is just merely a preference for me compared to other religions.

Even though myself was a monk once, and believed in karma, but I think that it's unfair for human beings for being punished for the deeds they did in past life. I was asking myself, what the fuck that I've done in the past life that I'm now being punished for things which yet happen in future?

I'm diagnosed with bipolar. Fine.
But, the world, those people, they are making assumptions that I'm going to jeopardise a patient's life in future based on my current situation. They are prosecuting me for a crime that I STILL HAVEN'T DONE IT! God damned it!
See? I'm now suffering for something that I haven't done... so, someone, explain the karma for me, please?!

I came from a sucking poor family. Fine.
And for years I have been struggling to change it ... why I got this kind of disease that deny all the efforts that I've put into life? WHY?!

I came through 3 broken relationship. Fine.
I've been being single for 2 years and why fate still want to screw with me like this?
Tagging me as bipolar -- a disease with possibility of passing to the next generation.
Who would like to be with a mad man like me? Heh...

It's re-sit paper week for those medic nerds who failed their exam... and I watched how my housemates memorizing those facts and fuckingly struggle for last minutes.
I can do better than anyone of them -- I should have passed the exam, which means there's no re-sit paper necessary for me!
I'm more capable and talented than those fucking sons of bitches who need to re-sit papers.
And why the hell I'm staying in KL merely for follow-ups and not to prove my capability of becoming a doctor?! Fuck the hell.

There are so many questions in my mind today that I'm not able answer forever.
I tried to give up questioning myself... but I can't.

I'm tired.
Mr. Fate, you son-of-bitch, let me tell you something. If you are going to screw with my life by getting all those bad things happend in my life, you better kill me ASAP -- car accident, train accident, shot-by-missed-firearm -- whatever! 'Cause you know what, I'm not going to recognise you as the greatest or any hell religons.
So, fuck this life off!

因为我是Reno

Reno -- 这是我自从进了大学后开始用的名字。
在第一次英文辩论上，大家互相介绍时，
看着有些人都有个英文名，于是就想起我 register Yahoo! 时用的名字 -- Reno。

（说真的，用了这个名字那么多年，我是去年才知道那是美国 Nevada 的一个地方名字。
虽然也是以赌博生意成名，但始终比不上 Las Vegas）

为什么中学当年会用Reno之名来 register Yahoo!，
当初也是因为爱上（应该是迷上）《雪天使》剧中 Reno 的角色...

记得是中二的时候，开始喜欢上流行音乐。
当时有一个团体叫做Energy的，里头有一个团员的头发真是超屌...


如果我当年不是在日新就读，我一定每天梳 Toro 这样的头发去上课！
（虽然，很明显的，我没有他那么帅...）

后来，当台湾偶像剧开始在本地红起来的时候，
我看得第一部偶像剧不是每个人都疯狂的《流行花园》，
而是由 Toro 主演的《雪天使》。
当时，当这不偶像剧在电视启播时，我几乎每天都追着看。
（有时晚上补习班就没办法看咯 T_T）


已经那么多年了，我这时也没办法把剧情记得那么清楚了。
只是当年的我真的深深被那部偶像剧影响，
尤其是最后 Reno (Toro) 那无法和心爱的女人在一起的那种遗憾，
再加上我当时与淑桦分手不久后的伤痛，
不知不觉，就爱上 Reno，也就不知不觉用了 Reno 这个名字...

《雪天使》里的 Reno 也曾经失忆过，
不懂我当初用了 Reno 这个名字时也意味着我今天今日失忆的命运？

其实，很多戏里我喜欢的角色也是失忆的。
Reno 就是第一个。
接下来的还有 《Bourne Identity》里的 Jason Bourne。
到我最近在看得《狗与狼之间的时间》里的李秀玄/ Kay。
虽然让主角失忆的桥段有点老套，但我还是很喜欢，
就好像今天的我对过去发生的事情的记忆因为 ECT 后而开始模糊，
有些我甚至一点印象都没有。
我想，我能够体会戏里头那些主角失忆的感受。

这两年来在医学院的日子，人家都是这么叫我　Reno的。
因为我那医学生的金色 name tag上市那么写的。

就算以后，我还是会用Reno 为我的英文名。
第一次当我的一开始进入大学时用，因为我想把KMPh的记忆统统忘记掉。
这一次，我将会离开 UKM　的 Kampus Kuala Lumpur (KKL)，
到了 Kampus Bangi　时，我还是会用Reno，
因为这一次，我想把我所有悲痛的记忆都删除了。
或许因为ECT而失忆并不完全是个坏事，至少，我有了忘记过去的借口。
忘记中小学所有的事情，
忘记Matrix所有的记忆，
忘记大学这两年人不像人，鬼不像鬼的日子...

如果命运给我那么的一个机会，
我的 application of transfering course通过，
让我到 Bangi　重新开始，
我真的会让自己变成真正失忆的Reno...
因为当我为自己取名为Reno的那一天开始，
就注定我失忆的命运。

老天，我不曾那么诚恳地求你一件事。
但，这一次，就让我求求你给我那么一次重新来过的机会，
就用我的记忆来交换...