There 'll be blood

Men is so incapable of many things, they are not even capable of writing thier own life...
I thought I was gonna die -- suicide.
Everything is bloody but perfect if I just spent every money I left with and then kill myself.
But, now, REVENGE seems to be the new chapter.
Right now, life is going to be torn aprt, even more imperfect...but definitely very and more and more bloody.
There'll be blood.

After all these time, breathing as a human being, it's time for me to face the hard truth.
The truth of reality ... the real world only exist in money and power.
For ages men fight for money and power.
The first conflict, the first war, the first reason of screwing the fairness in the world where people just contended with thier life and ask nothing more -- they all started because of men's hunger for money and power.

Before this, all I was asking is a chance to do something good for this world.
An opportunity to become a doctor who saves life.
A mercy to be given for the right to persue education and mending bad things -- diseases.
But they are all stripped away from me because of my poverty and powerlessness.

I didn't choose this path voluntarity.
I tried to write my own book of life which including me becoming a doctor and lead a happy life.
But, right now I was forced to choose this path -- the ugly path which I hate the most.

Anger, consume me, in exchange help me to excel.
Rage, take away my happiness, in return gives me energy.
Devil, own my soul, in pay back, let me have all the power and money in the world.

I was oppressed of education opportunity because of my illness.
I was treated like an animal, a beast in the ward.
I'm living in an empty house, sleeping in a sleeping bag, eating cheap foods ...
I've to work as a low class worker, as a despised promotor, as someone who needs to put down his pride, his honour...

I'll never forget the humilation.
I'll never forget who caused me all these pains.
I'll never forget how hard life is for me now.
I'll never forget how I was forced by the world to a corner... driving me wanting to end my life.
I'll never forget, nor shall I forgive the people who played the role of causing all these.

I'll take my revenge, at any cost.
I swear, there'll be blood.

How does it feel like?

How does it feel like?
Being wishing to suicide, what does it feel like?
Nobody knows.
But I know.

Nobody thinks or truely believe that I'm going to kill myself. Nobody.
I don't need to convince them.
I'm happy together with them on daily basis.
There's no need to burden them with misery of my life. My personal life.
My only myself fucking life.

Because, the truth, the destiny, the future is: I'm going to kill myself.
Before the suicide, I just want to be happy.
I mean, spending every last days of my life, live to the fullest, live happily with them.
Live my last days with friends.

How does it feel like?
Everyday wake up, wishing you are gonna die today so that you don't have to wake up tomorrow. Because every waking means another day to kill.
Another hours of life to crack your brain thinking what to do?
It's pain.
It feels like dragging yourself.
Open your eyes, drag yourself in front of Facebook knowing how other people are busy with their life, realising that yourself don't have anything to do for the day.
Then, you think of eating. Not sure you're gonna eat breakfast or lunch at that time.
So, you say "screw it", and you just eat.
But after few mouths, you feel eating is meaningless.
You throw away those unfinished foods and light a cigarette.
The thing in your mind when you are smoking is: why smoking kills me so slowly?
You hope just finish one cigarette, you can just die.
How does it feel like?

When you finally give up begging cigarettes to kill you, you decide to take a bath.
After bath, you put on some decent nice clothes, set your hair.
Looking in the mirror, try to make yourself looks cool.
You don't know why you are making yourself look so non-suicidal, while deep down, you wish you are going to wear this into hell.
Stop fantasizing suicide, you take out your handphone, browse through the contact list or look for any unread messages. Then, if you are fortunate enough, you'll get someone who is also bored as well to accompany you.

If you get company, you can put the suicide though in a small box untill later.
When there's company, you laugh, you joke, you chat. You are happy.

If you don't get company, you still can put the suicide though in a small box untill later.
When there's no company, you take a bus, go out, go somewhere.
You think of trying something new, something fresh, buy something to reward yourself for looking so cool today.
Then, you do it. You do it alone. But, you do it happily also.

After happy time with company, or a private happy time yourself, you come back to your room.
It's night. Take some bath, you think.
But, the porn seems interesting online. So, you jerk off yourself before taking bath.
After taking off fancy clothes that you've been wearing whole day, you feel empty.
Empty like hell.
That's the time when the suicide though you kept in the small box, comes out and fill the empty spaces in yourself.
Suddenly, sitting in front of Facebook, you feel like morning again.
Everyone on Facebook had a busy day doing what they did for the day.
But you also tired like them, the difference is you don't know what you've done for the day that makes you so tired.

You feel like you want to type on Facebook shoutout and says " I'm going to fucking kill myself !!!". But, everyone will care and comment on your status. You knew it.
You know those comments won't do any good for you.
Even though those words are really very inspiring.
Because you know, inspiration doesn't work on you anymore.
In conclusion, you don't type those of your own shit on Facebook shoutout.

You feel like shouting your heart.
You put on some depression or suicidal songs on laptop.
Your favourite is Mika's 'Happy Ending'
No hope, no love, no glory. No happy ending.
You like those songs.
You put them on repeat mode to listen and listen again.

When you decide nothing much you can do for the day already, you notice one last thing.
You see a bottle of tequila or vodka lying on the floor, posing so sexily seducing you to drink it.
Finally, you drink it and you are drunk and you eventually close your eyes and you finally asleep...and you dream about things.
Final finally, you wake up the next day hoping that your death in dream is true and you realise the whole thing repeat itself with variation of whether the middle part with or without company and you finally realise there's no finally untill you finally dead.

This is the last chapter.
At least I go blogging before drunk (it's equal to bed) tonight.

This is...one of my last words.
How does it feel like?

The End

I have a feeling. I'm going to die soon.
How will I die? I'll kill myself and I'll end everything.

I need everything to reach an ending. I really need that.
I can no longer take this any more. Even though it means a tragic ending, It's a closure to me.
People need closure to move on. So do me.
I need closure to be peace, to free my mind.

I can't move on anymore.
Everyday is a rejection. Everyday is dissapointment. Everyday is a repeat cycle of fuck-upness of my life. Everyday is a curse.
No more another day for me. Please, no more.
No more rejection. No more dissapointment. No more repeat cycle of fuck-upness. No more curse.
I just want an ending.

Going back to a place where everything suppose to end few years ago I should be.
I'm just tired of everything.
I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of listening to people asking me to cheer up.
No way.
No way of trying more failure.
No way of cheering up.
Just...no way.
The only way is die.

I want to die.
And after seeing her again today, I have really nothing to hope for more.
I still love her. I do.
That's the reason this blog is named after 'Love till Death'.
At this moment of contemplating death, I feel relieved because I'm going to die.

Dying is dark, but it is beautiful.
Dying means ending. Putting an end on your life.
Just like a last page of a story book.
Instead of having blank pages endlessly, or having shit on every pages, it's better of putting an ending to it. Again, even it's a tragic ending.
This is the end.

If there's no more update in this blog, it means I'm dead.
So, for anyone who ever read this, please don't feel guilty for anything.
As friends of mine, please don't be guilty.
Those time with you guys, they are really great time.
Probably the only good things that ever happen in my story of life.
I'm thankful that I had friends like you guys. Really.

I'm dying.
Death, embrace me.

20th October 2009

我想飞

今晚，我照例地倚在走廊的半墙上抽着烟。

不远处的食堂里传来欢乐的喧闹声。

一架飞机刚刚起飞，在没有星星的夜空里从一点闪烁的亮点，

慢慢消失，被黑夜吞噬。

我突然想起当地上的人们在愉快的相聚时，

天空上的那架飞机里承载着多少破碎或等待完整的心？

飞机上的人，有些和心爱的人分离，也有些人飞向心爱的人飞去。

我没有搭乘过飞机，

所以现在的我很想乘上一架飞往一个有的目标的目的地。

我暂时还没想到想飞去哪里。

May曾对我说过，她想飞到台湾。

而我，当时则毫不犹豫地说我想飞到美国的加利福尼亚的海边看日落。

只是，我还没有找到跟我一起看日落的人。

我会找到吗？我不知道。

明天就是把信寄出到所有本地的医学院的日子。

我很想假装自己不在乎，但是，我是真的很希望回到医学院。

生命里，对我最重要的东西就是荣耀。

今天，终于看了Grey’s Anatomy的第五季。

之前，为了避免伤口再次打开，所以一直都逃避，抑制自己不去看任何有关医学的连续剧。

但，今天终于破例了。

今天，我想起了自己曾经多么地想爬到白色巨塔的顶点。

就算再辛苦，流再多血，承受再多的孤独，我都要用手抓住像空气般虚无的荣耀。

我想起了自己曾经发誓要当在急症室里掌握生命结束或延续的人物 – 神。

心里也有差不多的计划了：

如果UMS接受了，不管还有UM还是USM，我还是会飞到UMS。

因为，那将是我目前能够飞的机会。

这块土地实在有着太多我不敢回首的回忆。

每一寸空间都是悲伤，

每一个细胞都是犹豫，

每一次呼吸都是窒息。

我只想飞，能够飞多远就飞多远，把破碎的心留在这里，

到另外哪里找我生命的荣耀。

时间停止了

时间好像停止了。

停在我退出了医学院的这场游戏的那一刻。

每天的日子，我不懂自己到底在做什么。

每天醒来，不懂该做些什么。

无所事事就到图书馆看戏。

当其他人都在我的周围为未来努力时，我在浪费时间，浪费生命。

或许，就像在我的脑海告诉了自己好多次的：

两年多前，我就应该在关丹结束这场生命。

因为我违背了命运的安排而苟且生存下来，所以我在尝受自己的恶果。

有时候，真的想在生命的21岁那天结束自己。

但，我没有做过的事情太多了。

我没有到过California的Orange County看日落；

我没有找到下一个我能更爱她的人；

我还没等到Dark Knight的下一集；

我还没有…

照理来说，这些事情应该成为我继续活下去的理由。

但，我真的没有心情再继续生活下去。

就算，就把我当作是个懦夫也罢…

我真的就是不想再活下去了。

通常自杀都会有个原因。

我的自杀不会有任何原因。

死得这么特别，也不错吧？

我以为自己找到下一个更爱的女生。

她的名字叫May。

但是，最后还是一样的下场。

我如果在几年前就遇见她，

或许一切都会不一样吧？

我不知道。

我不知道自己在写些什么了…

情书

曾经有一部电影这么说过，
“一个人的生命中总会有许多人来了又去，
只有那个你最深爱的人的出现能够把你的生命一分为二：
没遇见她之前的人生，和遇见她之后的人生。”
我以前从来不曾体会过，但是，两年多前我相信了，
因为天蝎座的我爱上了一个不该爱的巨蟹座女生。
而一个星期前的我，突然发现遇见她之后的后半段人生，
因为我遇见了你，再次被一分为二。

当我遇见你的第一天，你问我的星座是什么。
那一瞬间，我仿佛以为坐在我前面的是一个巨蟹座的女生。
那个对我很重要的巨蟹座女生也是那么的相信宇宙中几光年以外的星星发出的光芒，
穿越到几光年距离的地球，就算发出光芒的星星或许已经灭亡，
它还是一样会主宰星座的人的命运。
没想到双子座的你也是相信星座。
而你的星座问题让我想起了她…

我曾经只是一个很普通的忧郁天蝎，
因为她的出现，我的生命因她的开朗改写了下半段。
我开始爱上Arabica咖啡，
我开始知道什么是时装的品牌，
我开始知道我的人生应该是成为一个成功的医生，
我开始知道原来爱一个人可以那么甜，也可以那么痛。
而她没有原因的离开，我也开始知道了人为什么要抽烟。

分手后的两年里，
我还是爱喝Arabica咖啡，爱穿SEED品牌的衣服。
改变的是，我喜欢一面喝咖啡一面抽烟，
而且SEED的口袋里永远有着打火机和香烟。
当然，我也永远记得避开又甜又痛的爱情。
在那两年里，我把自己孤立，就只为了完成对她的承诺，成为一名医生。

可是，世事总是事与愿违。
五个月前，我因为发现自己患上家族遗传的病，所以再也无法实现那个成为医生的承诺。
我原本有大好前途心理学的邀请信，但我还是毅然地放弃自己选择冷门的海洋学。
这是一种自我放逐，也是一种自我惩罚，因为我不可能再是一名医生。
这是我违背诺言的后果，所以我选择自我毁灭。
就在我打算离开这里开始毁灭之旅的几天后，我遇见了你。

冥冥中就像所有的一切安排好了一样。
如果我没有被医学院开除，我就不会来到这里。
如果那天的前一晚我没有失眠，我就不会发信息给Lau。
如果我没有两年前一开始认识Lau，我就不会跟他到马六甲。
如果这一切都没发生，我就不会遇见你。
因为这一切的巧合发生了，这两年来，我第一次觉得上天终于对它之前安排我的命运知错了。

从马六甲回来的那一晚，我照惯例地磨咖啡豆然后煮一杯不加糖的Arabica咖啡。
奇怪的是，那杯不加糖的咖啡竟然反常地一点都不苦。
然后，我又照惯例地点燃一支Kent香烟，深深地吸进我忍了一整天的尼古丁。
奇怪的事情又发生了，我觉得我一点也不需要尼古丁…
因为我更需要的东西，就在我咖啡和烟灰缸旁的电脑荧幕上：
一个叫做Lee Pei May的Facebook profile。

只是，上个星期六的晚上开始，
Arabica咖啡变得比之前的两年里更苦，我还是照例不加糖地喝；
我比任何时候更需要尼古丁，但我每一支点燃的香烟还没吸就被愧疚感弄熄在烟灰缸。
我想继续欺骗自己，但每一次看见你在我的Facebook，
我知道因为我必须承认自己从星期六开始就想念你。
我想念你的的笑，
想念你向Lau撒娇的声音，
想念你忍不住香烟味的神情，
想念有你存在的时间和空间的交错点。

和你相处过的11个小时，
似乎把没见到你的123小时13分钟39秒化成零。
唯一的解释就是或许我在那11个小时里已经想念你，已经情不自禁的对你有了喜欢的感觉。
如果爱因斯坦的“相对论”需要一个证明，那么时间因为想念和暗恋而相对的缩短，
甚至化零，就是一个很好的证明。
因为脑海中满满都是你最后向我挥手说再见的画面，那一刻过后起发生的事物变成不存在，
时间，空间，就这样相对地停格在那画面，思念停住了往前走的顺时针。
睡前，失眠，入梦，睡醒，一直都是停格在那画面，
空间的其他事物因对你的喜欢的感觉太多了而留不住在我的脑里。

我不知道自己为什么会在那短短11个小时里开始这种感觉。
请原谅我只是一个俗人，一个被你的美丽深深无法自拔的俗人。
“美丽”这个多么俗气形容词，如果它在语言学里有一定的功用，
对我来说，那就不止是形容美丽的你，而也形容了这个因你存在而变得美丽的世界。
请原谅如果我只能用了这个俗气的字眼形容你，因为我满满的脑海里只有你的画面，
我再也找不到另一个字眼了。
或许， 你和有你存在的世界，是根本不能用任何语言的文字来形容表达。

除了见到你让我发现自己多么地俗气，
你也让我那两年多来黑暗的空间和你的开朗相比之下，更显得黑暗。
我曾经以为自己只要永远躲在属于我那黑暗的一面，我还是可以用欺骗全世界的笑脸面对他人。
只是，遇见了你，我多么希望自己不是属于这个黑暗的世界，那么我可以更接近你的光明一点。
我多么想自己是一个和你身边的追求者一样，拥有正常人拥有的一切，简简单单地追求你，
就算最后被拒绝，或者只是成为普通朋友，我也心甘情愿。
只是，我不可能和普通人一样。
从出生在那个家庭开始，遗传这个病开始，我不可能和普通人一样。

如果我和你的邂逅在一个月前，在我做下离开这里的决定前…
我打从遇见你的第一天就开始这么想，
但，我还是知道这只是一个不可能的借口。
如果，我把你当成我留下来的理由，这样对你很不公平。
在你的人生，我只是一个短暂出现过的告白者之一。（我真的连追求者都不如）
如果我因为你而留下来，我只会是一个负担，一个虽然你感觉不到，但对你很不公平的负担。
我不忍心你面对这样一个负担。

或许是今夜的咖啡麻醉了我，
或许是今夜的麻醉了的我特别想念你，
或许是我特别想念的你在将来即将淡忘了我给我勇气，
我写下了这篇我不知道自己的下场会是什么的情书。
很大的可能就像我说的吧，99%被你拒绝收场。

但是，我只是有一个卑微的请求，
今晚的中秋节，就当作这封信没有存在过，拒绝的时效从散会后开始。
因为今晚也许就是我见你的最后一次了。

我的存在或离开不会对你的时间留下任何痕迹。
随着时间的前进，我只是在你的记忆中淡化的人物，没有任何重要性。

但是，遇见了你，让我的下半段人生开始一分为二：
遇见你之前的人生，和遇见过你之后的人生。
我很感激你的出现。
也许如果我这一生还有什么仅剩前世修来的福分，
我想我已经用尽了那些福分来遇见你。

离开了这里，
当我的Arabica咖啡比之前更苦时，我知道它更能麻醉我对你的思念；
当我每一次想要抽烟时，我会想起世界上有另一个不喜欢烟味的女生；
当我独处在孤独黑暗时，我知道在某个时空的你在开朗地过着每一天；
当我觉得一无所有时，我会想起曾经在离开前和你相遇的那短暂的时间。
这就是我后半段遇见过你之后的人生。

最后，保重！
祝你：永远幸福。

字 之浩

I watch Christopher's and Nolan's Batmans

There are two types of nice movie: movies that you watch and want to rewatch again 'cause it's too much fun, and movies that you watch and there are too many things to digest till you need some time before you can re-run the movie again. Tim Burton's and Christopther Nolan's Batmans definitely belon to the second class. It's just out of blue that my sudden interest to watch old Batman movies come to my mind. Thanks to torrent ( I wonder who made this piece of thing), I can rewatch the old Batman movies after years of nostalgia. I used to liked seeing Bruce Wayne in caped crusader's costume, but after years of watching (studying?) movie experience, I do found what really catch me in those films are the themes. Please take note that this following blog TALKS about batmans, not those pieces of shits from Batman Forever and Batman and Robin.

Well, let's talk about theme. The theme of Batman supposedly to be dark and really dark, not that kind of childplay in 3rd or 4th Batman. Tim Burton definitely has the talent in making this kind of dark-themed movie 'cause it's really his signature. Can Edward Scissohand get any darker? Or I can really call him who can make a musical movie into a freaking dark one? Only Tim can do it, and hence Batman and Batman Returns really an easy job for him. The Burton's darkness in 89 and 92 is definitely different from this century. With perfecly fitting dark tune of music score, it perfectly protrayed the darkness. Though not darkness of the superhero, but the darkness of the Gotham. He WAS the one who visualise Gotham.

Christopher Nolan? What else can I say about this dude? His every movies are my favourite. Quite dark, but dark in it's own way, I would call the Nolan's way, which is quite different from the Burton's signature. A seriosu kind of dark that makes you really ponder the existance of the dark side in a superhero. Though he can't create the same dark Gotham as Burton, but he IS the one who explore the dark side of this caped crusader.

Get back to Burton's Batmans. Batman (1989) give no extensive story about the origin of Batman, but simply explained it that Jocker was the one who made Bruce an orphan (a deviation formt he original story). The main reason why Burton made this deviation is to emphasais on the relationship between Batman and Joker. They are two nemesis of each other, in the obvious social morality / responsibility level, and also in the personal level. This is something kinda dark. Kids only see Batman as a masked hero. But as a grown-up, I really wonder the characteristics of this hero. Burton was the one who initiate the idea that Batman is NOT a perfect hero. When he fought against Joker, there must be some kind of personal emotion that involved in the fighting. Plus, Burton visualized how a Batman darkness can be in a movie.

Batman Returns and Burton realized that he couldn't keep on using the Joker vs Batman kind of theme anymore. The freshness in this movie (77% Rotten Tomatoes) was due to its sense of darkness from the side of Penguin and the (love?) relationship between Batman and Catwoman. It's a nice choice to choose two dark villains at the same time, 'cause Riddle may be little bit awkward after the dark theme in the prequel. It's claimed as better sequel than the first one because of the more heaviness in this movie, like including parts when Batman was framed for something and also the part when he actually felt in love with his enemies. These are what we need in a Batman movie. Burton set an example which, too bad can't be picked up by Joel, but instead taken by Christopher.

Due to a bad review I read on 2006, I used to have prejudice on Nolan's Batman Begins. I wondered why Nolan went too far to reboot this franchise. But after years of experience, I noticed that Nolan made a great move. 'Cause Joel really screwed up the 3rd and 4th Batman. Continuing a screwing legacy by Warner Brothers at the time? NO! So, even though hard, but might as well restart again. Michael Keaton is too old, how? Pick a new guy, Christian Bale. And this Bale dude really got Bruce Wayne's quality just like Keaton (sorry George Clooney, you are out). Batman Begins is really interesting 'cause it explains the origin of caped crusader in detailsssss. To restart a new thing, you need to rebuild the connection with audience, that's how Nolan did thing.

When it came to The Dark Knight, I really don't have to say much. But I would like to compare the another Jack Nicholson's joker to Heath Ledger's. Both are good Jokers. I can't really say which is better. Both are equally scary...and funny(?). Joker is not a simple enemy like the other. He is the prince of cime, and indeed need someone who are really great to protray this character. Both Nicholson and Ledger are really...I can't find any others who can do better than this. Which mean Nolan in deep shit if he needs another Joker in the 3rd new Batman.

So, folks! To conclude up. If you wana watch Batman, please go for Burton's or Nolan's, not others. 'Cause these two really genius directors are the ones who can bring you real dark BATMAN.

如果你变成回忆

笔记本在书桌上开着，
喇叭播出的是你最爱的那首歌 – Tank 的《如果我变成回忆》。

书桌的右上角是一杯冒着烟的咖啡，
刚煮好的肯雅咖啡就装在你送我的星巴克咖啡杯里。

左手握着一支烧了三分之一的Kent香烟，
灰烬掉在曾经被你藏起来的烟灰缸，里面有九支烟蒂。

音乐，咖啡香，香烟。
他们都不断地提醒我你已离去。

日历上的月份依然是9月。
2009年9月。
虽然现在已经是10月了，我还是活在一个月前。
你还在我身边的时间，我才算是活着。
你走了，时间不再有任何意义。
一天一天过去的每一天，只是在重复我想念你的二十四小时；
一秒一秒往前走的手表，对我来说，永远停止在21 ：09 -- 因为时间少了你的再见，它不懂怎么往前走。

每一天醒来，阳光还是把世界照亮；
到了晚上，天还是会黑。
我每一天还是跟以前一样一面喝咖啡一面读书。
每个人每一天还是一样，醒来，做每一天该做的事，然后睡觉。
世界好像还是和你没离去前一样。

就连地球还是在转动，
月球还是绕着地球转，
世界上的电子还是绕着核心转动。
真的，这世界真的没什么不一样。

在这个每天没有什么不一样的世界，
我每天醒来，发现的第一件事就是空气里少了你的呼吸。
你的呼吸在空气里的重要性，只有我能知道。
因为少了你的呼吸的空气，在一寸一寸地侵蚀我的灵魂，
然后再用寂寞忧伤一寸寸的填补我的生命。

海边的浪不断拍着沙滩，
好像海水在安慰失去你的陆地不要太难过。

慢慢沉下的夕阳把天空都染红，
好像太阳尽最后的一份力想把这个灰色的世界加上一点点色彩。

失控的回忆不断在我的脑海播放，
好像让我觉得你从来不曾离去。

海浪，夕阳，回忆。
他们不断填满空荡荡的生命，却越想填满越让它更空虚。

每一天让我自己的影子陪我蹒跚走在绵绵不尽的海岸线，
白发的我将独自一个人看晚霞落尽，
独自一个人在人海旅行，因为我知道生命的尽头，我将和你再相逢。

继续流浪

其实，那天玩失踪回来后就该写下这篇 blog。
但是，回来后一直都很忙，忙到没有时间写。
今晚，虽然有点爱睡，但是我还是不想上床，
也许是因为几天下来，习惯了早上七点才睡吧？

原本我以为这篇 blog 的名字应该叫 “流浪的终点”。
但是，就算回来了，我还是觉得每一天都在流浪。
每一天都把自己弄得很忙很忙，尤其是迫使自己像个机器人一样，
所做的东西，所读的书，我尽力使自己没有感情，
就像 programmed 好了一样，跟着程式作事情，
没有所谓的喜欢不喜欢。
也许这就是我在这里唯一生存下来的方法吧？

其实，我是很想死的。
回来的那一晚跟“大哥”一块喝茶，心情很低落。
“大哥”向我分析了项羽自刎乌江的事件：
如果当初项羽没有自杀，很大的可能会东山再起，
以他的才能，要把曾经多次是手下败将的刘邦打败不是一件难事。
但是，项羽却选择了写下历史上有名的 ‘自刎乌江’ 事件。
失败了就算只有那么的一次，对一直高高在上的项羽来说是一件多么难受的事。
就像现在的我一样...

我不想再逼自己有兴趣地去做我应该做的事。
我只想像世界上大多数工作的人一样，
没有感情地面对要在这个世界生存必须做的事。
我没有 ‘自刎国大’ 的勇气。
所以，只要把感情弄掉，我还是可以生存的。
何况这里还有朋友，那些我以前没有的朋友。
只要不是做正经事的时候，一起吃饭喝茶吹水，生活还是有感情的一面。

来到这里，我不时会对朋友说一时喜欢这个女生，一时又喜欢另外一个。
这样的开玩笑大家都觉得很过瘾，虽然有点无聊...呵呵...
一开始，我以为自己会喜欢 E ，但是日子久了，发现自己那种喜欢的感觉，
不过是寂寞穿上美丽的衣服，只一种自我欺骗的伪装。
原来爱上一个人后，就算那个人不再爱你了，你还是会默默地爱着她。
跟朋友谈起我失恋的感觉，不如一起吹水谈校花来的过瘾...
就算我现在还是多喜欢静芬，那都只是我和 blog 交谈的话题。
跟朋友在一起，还是笑声比较重要。

好了，是时候谈谈我消失的24小时到底做了什么事情。
一开始就像计划的一样，到 Pavilion 看了 District 9 的半夜场。
真的是很不错的电影，应该有资格成为本年度最佳电影。

然后，就是最难熬的地方了。
McD 的楼上和厕所竟然关掉。
所以可怜的我惟有在路边 Coffe Bean 的椅子上睡觉，而且还在 Bukit Bintang 的路边小便。
觉得自己很像个乞丐，只想把自己的生活弄得一塌糊涂...
但是当我觉得生活没有一点光明时，还是有个 coursemate 打电话要我回去。
而且是个女生... 很久没有异性那么关心我了...
老实说，是有点感动的。

天亮后，我就到 Chow Kit 我曾经一段日子每天去的巴刹吃早餐。
然后，当然跑到我以前读医科的图书馆里睡觉。
其实我是看了《教父》后才睡去的，而且还睡得桌面都是口水 =p

下午，计划里没发生的事情就是和 Ben 一起到 MidVal 看戏。
而且还第一次见到了他口中的女友。
不错啦，虽然有点当电灯泡的感觉...但是，我喜欢这种不需要一个人看戏的感觉。
朋友的存在真的会让一件平淡的事情变得很不同。

但是 Ben 回后，我整个人开始崩溃。
于是把 ‘大哥’ 叫出来，把心中的恐惧和悲哀都说出来后，整个人就好了很多。
真的，如果那24小时内没有半个朋友出现，我真的会疯掉。

我终于知道问题在哪里了。
我一直想找流浪的终点，所以拼命想爱一个人，拼命逼自己喜欢上海洋学。
后来我才发现喜不喜欢其实一点都不重要，如果把自己逼紧了会疯的。
我要开始相信随缘。
看到不错的女生就随随便便喜欢几天，吹水几天，没空就不用理，
没有责任和失恋的包袱，轻松很多。
至于海洋学，只是上课的日子就当作像中学读历史一样，
我读来只是考试，尽我的能力考。
如果考不好，这一次，我也不在乎了。
成绩不会改变些什么，我已经没有梦想了。
就随随便便读好了。
嗯...不时很随便那种，就尽我的能力咯。
我的能力，应该能让我继续生存吧？呵呵...

不是很晚，但，应该要躺在床上了。
明天又是忙碌的一天。

静芬，你过得好吗？
晚安。

之浩，是时候睡觉了。
晚安！

p/s：继续流浪吧！